Monday, September 29, 2008

Day 154

I thought i would try something different with this post. I want to have a happy post, something positive for not only me but especially for Lamont. So i'll tell you about how we met, 15 years ago. It was this month 15 years ago that my best friend and I decided to go to the Ingleside base to celebrate Hispanic Heritage month. The base was having a big festival with tours of the Navy ships. Lamont had just joined the Navy and wasn't working that day, so he slept in his rack all day. My bestfriend and I thought we were too cute, and before we knew it we were taking tour after tour of his ship. I met his friend Andre first. He looked just like Tupac and I was soo in love with Tupac back then that it instantly drew me in. So we flirted and exchanged phone numbers. Before we knew it the festival was coming to an end and everyone was leaving the boat. So my friend and I stayed on the pier for a little while talking to Andre. I remember at one point looking up to see this cinnamon skinned, beautiful smiled man just staring at me. I thought he was so fine, but I felt bad looking at him because I was talking to Andre. Well I said my goodbyes and as i walked away this guy started to follow. I would turn around every so often and there he was just smiling. So at one point my friend and I stopped and just hung out and talked, he stopped too by some pay phones and called some Well we decided to go find my friend's parents and started to walk away when we hear a...psst...hey girl's come here. My friend got so excited cause she thought it was her turn to talk to a guy. So we walked over and there he was hanging off the phone smiling at us and just being flirtatious. I thought he was so cute, but I had just given his friend my # and I just couldn't be known as those kind of So he flirted with my friend and kept looking over at me, as I proceeded to call my dad and get chewed out about not checking in with him. After talking for awhile we decided we better find her parents before getting in trouble so we left and I really thought it would be the last time i would see him.
Well Lamont has always been the kind of guy that when he wants something he stops at nothing until he gets it, so he decided he would find a way to get my phone number. He told Andre that he wanted my number so he could ask me for my friend's number and before I knew it he was calling me like every weekend. At first it was just a quick hello then it turned into us talking for awhile, mind you he never asked me for my friend's number. I have to say that I fell for Lamont quickly. I was young and it was definitely puppy love, but it was my first love. A year later when I found out I was pregnant, it was that love that made me decide to keep my baby. It was the hardest decision, but I know now it was the most wonderful decision of my life. It's been a struggle over the years to keep a young marriage together. But we have and now we are going through more struggles and I think for the first time ever we both feel defeated. But I'm telling you love this is the time when we both have to remember what we have overcomed. We have to remember the first time we saw eachother and how much we both wanted to be with eachother. We can make it through this, but we both have to be willing to get over this hurdle like we've done for years. We can't give up the last 15 years...

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Day 148

The days seem to fly by lately. While that is good on one end, I feel like i've disconnected from alot of people who mean alot to me. Lately I really feel like i'm not attatched to myself anymore. I work, take care of the kids, take care of the house and try to sleep as much as I can. I miss so many of you and I'm so sorry if anyone has felt that I have pushed them aside. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to offer but the same sad, depressed me. It makes me really want to just hide away at home and wait for my old self to come back. For those of you who are reading this and feeling that this is for you, it is. It is my way of trying to apologize and hopefully get you to understand that I really don't want to lose any of you as friends. And most importantly to my husband who has also felt this way. I say alot that i'm just trying to get through this and I know that i'm not doing a good job at it alot of the times. I'm so sorry. I truly am. I am praying for strength and for help with my feelings. At times I feel depressed but almost like a functional depression. I don't feel sad all of the time, but I do feel tired, unmotivated and just have lost the desire for things that used to bring me so much happiness. I truly hope I have made sense to those who this is meant for. I love all of my friends who have been there for me, and I love my husband so much. I just wish I knew how to get through this and remain the same Lissa. Thank you so much for always standing by me and for your prayers. I have felt them and I appreciate them so much. Now for something that has brought me alot of happiness, my babies. This is a picture my neighbor took of Bella and it's just too cute for words.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Day 143

Well once again, a big break inbetween posts but life has been hectic as usual. The kids are happy in school, Bella is loving preschool and i'm happy with the break i get in the day. Business has been good. It's still such a double edged sword because on one hand it brings us extra income and i love doing it, but on the other it's so hard to find the time for anything extra. I'm very behind on editing and always behind on sleep, but that is the norm. On an upside we are doing pretty good. Lamont and I are doing alot better and he seems to be happier. The kids are doing pretty good handling everything. Bella is still crying for her daddy though, and that is pretty tough. She wakes up every morning telling me she misses him. She'll say little things here and there that are so unexpected that I can't help but to tear up. But all in all they are doing great and I'm very proud of them.
On another good note I had an awesome opportunity last night that came about from my work. I have recently been signed to be the exclusive photographer for the Miss 757 contest here in Hampton Roads and I got a text from one of the owners saying we were all invited to a local radio station to meet Robin Thicke. It was a great experience and even better that only 30 or so people were there. So we all got to personally meet him and speak to him and of course take pictures. He also gave us all a signed picture, so it was a fun night. Here is one of the pictures I was able to get. I hope to one day be a personal photographer to people like him...ahhh dreams...

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Day 131

There isn't much to say today except to ask for prayers right now. Lamont is doing okay but there is just alot of stuff going on within our family that really is becoming harder and harder to deal with. I wish I had happier posts to blog about lately but that is not the case. Just please keep our family in your prayers. I took some pictures for Lamont today and i'll post them in a few days, but I want to share this song. It is truly how I feel right now...

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Day 130

Last week I heard a song that made me instantly think of Lamont and I just had to share it with him. I have to say that lately life has become increasingly hard. It's harder to find happiness in the simple things. I don't know if that's a result of something i've done or if i'm just being difficult but I am just having a hard time. I heard this song and it just broke me down. The song is called When it hurts, basically learning to love eachother through the pain. That is a difficult task. Just like faith in God, when things are good your love soars, and then through the tests and the pain you have to fight harder for that love. Then there are times when you are just done with the fighting, when you just don't want to fight so hard for happiness. Don't get me wrong, I love my children, i'm extrememly blessed with them and my career. But I am still feeling a loss everyday. I miss Lamont so much and I just miss feeling like a wife. I hate the hole that his absence leaves me with. Everyday when you are faced with always having to do things on your own, you just get a tough skin to get through it and over time it's hard to shed that. I don't want to distance myself from him, but sometimes it's the only way I know how to so that i don't feel the constant pain of missing him. This may all sound redundant, I know i've talked about it alot before. I'm just going through it right now and needed to vent. Thanks for listening....

Here is the helps sometimes to listen to it and look at pictures of Lamont and remembering why I love him, why i'm sticking this out. I love him through all of this, and i know when he comes home the peices will fall back into place..

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Day 129

Today was Bella's first day of preschool and she couldn't have been cuter! She was so excited and so happy to finally go to school. It was a nice break to be able to run errands by myself and know that she was happy. Here is my last baby on her way to her first school.... :-(

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Day 128

Today is the day....woo hooo!! The kids are off at school and there is finally peace and quiet over the Littles household. I missed them as they were getting on the bus, but when i got home and realized that there is only 1 left and not 4, well then things got a little I love my babies like no other, but we all need a break and mine has been a long time coming!!
The kids woke me up at 6:30 this morning all excited and I made them a big breakfast of cinnamon rolls, eggs and bacon. Then we got all their stuff together, dressed, hair done, teeth brushed and we were out the door! Aly and Mayson were so happy to ride the bus this morning, since they went all last year with me driving them and picking them up from school. I can't get over how big my daughter is getting. I mean I look at the picture of her and her brother who is only 4 years younger and she towers over him. Then there is that little figure she's getting...just makes you want to hide her in a closet somewhere!! Anthonne as usual was very adamant that I only take a few pictures, and of course even just taking a couple embarrased him to no end. But I told him daddy wanted to see this day and that was the only reason he agreed to So here they are, packed and ready to start a new school year!